I’ve lived in a constant state of fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of abandonment; fear is in every decision I make, and especially the ones I don’t. Fear keeps me frozen in time. For my entire life, I have altered my actions and behaviors out of fear of not being accepted by others. I never stopped to question whether they were people by whom I wanted to be accepted.  

It’s exhausting pretending to be something you’re not. Even when you’re not fully aware you’re doing it. I would push the uncomfortable feelings down, the ones that told me something wasn’t right. Because I felt so broken and misunderstood, I worked extra hard to understand others. To the point I could make excuses for their actions to convince myself things were okay. Never questioning whether it was the type of behavior I wanted to surround myself with.  

I lost myself in fear. I lost the things that I enjoyed, my values, and my dreams. I replaced them with the passions of others. I sat around wondering why I couldn’t seem to stick with a hobby. It never occurred to me that the hobby wasn’t mine. I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that was not meant for me.  

Just as the fear hurt me, it also helped me to hurt others. By pretending to be something I was not, I manipulated my relationships. By not being honest about my needs and wants, I created confusion and distrust. By saying yes when I meant no, I built false resentments. Relationships require vulnerability, honesty and intimacy. None of which fear allows. 

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I want to open myself up and show people my favorite parts. I want to be honest in my relationships and with myself. I wish it was as easy as saying it, but I’m still uncovering these parts of me that were buried so deep. I’m just now remembering who I am, and I can’t be honest until I know my truth.  

I’ll continue searching for myself because I believe she’s worth it. But also because I believe others deserve it. They deserve the best parts of me, the genuine parts. Not just the parts I built to please them. And since fear doesn’t come with an on/off switch, I will be doing it scared, turning anxiety to excitement.